A few years ago my cousin's wife killed herself.  She was young, pretty, and a mother of 5 children. Her smile was infectious and her laugh was contagious. She had a heart big as the ocean and loved her children more than anything, yet she battled being bi-polar everyday of her adult life.  I didn't realize how severe her illness was until I heard the shocking news that she took her life. 

Days passed as I walked around in a transe. I didn't want to believe that someone that I was so close to would have taken her life and not pick up the phone and reach out to me.  We both had a large family and shared recipes and child rearing tips with each other. Family gatherings were always fun when she was there.  We laughed together, we cried together, we lived life together…….but she never called.  Did she not consider me to be the friend that I considered her to be?  For months I questioned why she didnt' call. I woke up and thought about her, I went to sleep and thought about her, I washed the dishes and thought about her, I did the laundry and thought about her, I showered and thought about her, I cried and thought about her. I was paralyzed by disbelief for days until I couldn't think about it anymore. 

Now that she has passed, the focus went to her husband and children. A single father with 5 young children who were mourning the loss of their beloved mother and wife.  Her mother and father mourned the loss of thier only daughter.  Emotions spilled over and hurt mixed with anger flooded the atmosphere. Family members that were not on the best of terms were forced to put their differences aside and come together for the good of the children, because life as they knew it was over.  One common feeling that we all had was if she would have just called one of us then things would have been different.  Everyone felt that way.  However she had fallen into a deep, dark space and for the moment just couldn't see the light at the end of the tunnel. Perhaps she felt that she couldn't hold on until tomorrow and as a result she left behind a family with lots of questions and no answers. She will never see her daughter and sons walk down the aisle, and never see them married with children. She will never be a grandmother herself or grow old with her husband because of a temporary feeling that cosumed her. 

We will never know the hurt and pain that she suffered or the feelings that she wrestled with. All I know is my friend left behind a family that loved her so much and it caused us to come together and make ammends with those that we had hard feelings for. I will never get over how she left this earth, but nevertheless my lover for her still burns bright.